Feb
18
Marsha Temlock’s latest blog from Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marsha-temlock/government-stimulas-preve_b_819236.html) :
It’s bad enough when your parents, friends and plain old budinskis tell you to stick out your marriage, but now the Feds are getting in the act. Walk though a subway car and you might see a poster that shows a couple lying in bed. Mouth wide open, he’s snoring away and she, well, she’s clearly making the best of it.
So what’s behind this story? The subtext is the ad was paid for by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to encourage couples to work on their relationship. According to Metro New York, the posters appeared on mass transit systems in New York, Atlanta, Los Angeles, Chicago and Washington, D.C. The ads direct commuters to a website called TwoOfUs.org that is run by the National Healthy Resource Center (NHRC). TwoOfUs dispenses tips on dating and advice on meeting the challenges of family.
I visited the site and watched a video excerpt of an interview Michelle Obama gave on the Today show. The First Lady was quick to say that she and the President did not want their marriage to appear flawless. Every marriage, she noted, has its ups and downs. Living apart can take its toll. To keep romance alive, she suggested other couples follow their example and institute a date night. Carving out space from the pressures of everyday life, getting away from the kids, the television or any other distraction and focusing on each other makes sense — although it struck me as another stimulus initiative. Read More »
Dec
27
Our author Marsha Temlock is now a blogger on Huffington Post (can be found at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marsha-temlock/a-grandmother-struggles-w_b_798520.html)! Here is her first entry:
When an adult child’s marriage ends, it’s not just the divorcing couple and their children who are hurt. What many people do not realize is that the grandparents are struggling with a ton of emotions and questions. The following is a pretty typical story about the issues seniors face.
It was midnight and the phone rang. My husband and I often got calls at odd hours since our son lived in another time zone. This time the sound reverberated throughout the house. My husband picked up the phone. I waited my turn while the two engaged in the usual guy talk.
“How’s the job, did you get the roof fixed?”
Don’t ask why but all the while they were talking my mother radar was picking up static.
“How are the kids?” I asked.
“They’re fine,” my son replied. There was a pause — a long pause.
“And Barbara?”
“Okay.” Another long pause.
And then I heard those dreadful words I don’t think any parent is ever prepared for. “Mom, Barbara and I are getting divorced.”
I felt as if my family had just fallen off a cliff.
All night long, these parents asked themselves why? What went wrong in the marriage? They needed some reason, some explanation to buffer the shock. They asked: Why didn’t we see this coming? Who’s to blame? What does the future hold for our child? the soon to be ex-law? the grandchildren? How will this divorce affect us?
Of course, not all parents are taken by surprise when the couple finally goes public. Some predict the marriage is doomed before the ink is dry on the marriage license. Even so, the issues are the same. Parents are not sure of their role. Do they stay on the sidelines or enter the fray?
Some seniors find it difficult to accept the decision. They try to fix what’s broken. One reaction is to suggest the couple go for marriage counseling. This grandmother was told it was too late. The message was clear: “Mom, butt out.”
A real concern is access to the grandkids. Generally speaking, the paternal grandparents lose out to the maternal grandparents even in the case of shared custody since the mother typically controls the amount of time children spend with the father and makes daily decisions about their schedule. Ex-daughters-in-law can create roadblocks, favor their own parents, and reduce the time the father’s parents spend with their grandchildren. (http://www.grandparentstoday.com)
This grandmother was lucky. Her grandkids came to visit while Mom and Dad were hammering out the settlement. Grandma agonized over what to say, what to do to make the children comfortable. She removed the parents’ wedding picture from the display of family photos and was careful to avoid any subject having to do with the divorce. She hoped the kids would volunteer information – they didn’t. The older one, protective of her mother and angry at her father, decided grandma was allied with the enemy.
Fortunately, time passes. The dust settles. Everyone moves on. Many grandparents maintain a warm, working relationship with the former son or daughter-in-law. When their child remarries, there are those who put an extra leaf in the table and invite the whole mishpocha (family) to Chanukah. The faces of grandchildren and step-grandchildren deck the halls with good cheer.
When a child gets married, parents assume their parenting role is over. But because divorce does not exist in a vacuum, their role may be helping their adult child, ex-law and grandchildren get back on track.
This grandmother may not necessarily agree with her son’s decision, but she got off on the right foot by saying, “I love you. What can I do to help?”
For more guidance for grandparents and parents of divorced children see: Temlock, Marsha. Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect … What You Can Do. 2006. Impact Publishers
Dec
1
What do you want to be when you grow up? Ideally, you decided at a young age, set long-term goals, and devoted yourself to a zealous pursuit of the perfect job, lifestyle, and mate, right?
Wrong, say professors John D. Krumboltz, Ph.D. (StanfordUniversity) and Al S. Levin, Ed.D. (SacramentoStateUniversity), two of the most honored and highly respected expert consultants in the career development field throughout the world. “A ‘career decision’ is usually interpreted as a permanent commitment to one occupation,” they note. “But it is nonsense to commit to a single path when both you and the world you live in are constantly changing. It’s like asking you to choose your future spouse before the first date.”
Krumboltz and Levin, authors of the newly released book, Luck Is No Accident: Making the Most of Happenstance in Your Life and Career, believe that traditional career counselors add to unnecessary pressure by striving to “cure” their clients of indecision about goal commitment. Their own experience in the field revealed the flaws in this approach. “We have no objection to tentative career goals combined with continual open-mindedness, but we hate to see people get trapped in an occupation that makes them miserable because their tunnel vision prevents them from seeing alternatives.”
Luck Is No Accident radically contradicts common myths about life- and career-planning. Do you believe you must go for a job only if you have all the skills, do all you can to make your “dream” come true, resist letting unexpected events disrupt your plans, and aspire to perfection? Do you wait for lucky breaks? This innovative, highly adaptable guide will surprise you as it sparks a sense of adventure and reaffirms your optimism about the future.
Confidence-building steps include:
- Networking, socializing, building relationships.
- Taking up a new hobby or sport; joining a club, association, or interest group; becoming a volunteer.
- Seeking a transitional job.
- Taking advantage of timely opportunities.
- Asking for what you want.
- Going one step at a time, realizing the future starts now, and persisting in the face of rejection.
“We came to the realization that our own careers were a matter of creating and capitalizing on unexpected opportunities,” the authors attest. “Then in surveying numerous adult populations we discovered that only about two percent of the people claim to be working now in the occupation they had planned when they were eighteen years old. The goal of naming a future occupation seemed to be an exercise in futility. Goals are influenced by thousands of unplanned events for everyone.”
Packed with thought-provoking alternatives, real-life accounts, and astute action ideas, this dynamic guide encourages keeping options open and making the most of what life offers. Exercises designed to explore aspirations, evaluate approaches to choices, enhance ongoing learning experiences, and overcome self-sabotage can be applied to all aspects of life.
“How you react to positive and negative experiences are powerful factors in
determining the directions your life takes,” Drs. Krumboltz and Levin emphasize. “Satisfaction is found through actively creating your own luck and making the most of new and unforeseen experiences.”
determining the directions your life takes,” Drs. Krumboltz and Levin emphasize. “Satisfaction is found through actively creating your own luck and making the most of new and unforeseen experiences.”
John D. Krumboltz, Ph.D., Professor of Education and Psychology at Stanford University, is a Fellow of the American Psychological Association and the American Association for the Advancement of Science. He has received the prestigious Leona Tyler Award in Counseling Psychology (1990) and the Distinguished Professional Contributions to Knowledge Award (2002) from the American Psychological Association, as well as designation as one of only five “Living Legends in Counseling” by the American Counseling Association (2004).
Al S. Levin, Ed.D., Professor of Counselor Education at California State University, Sacramento, was formerly Assistant Director of Stanford University’s Career Development Center, MBA Career Management Center, and Lecturer at Stanford’s School of Education. Dr. Levin has authored numerous career development publications, led training workshops, and made presentations at professional conferences throughout the United States.
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Luck Is No Accident is available at online and local bookstores nationwide or directly from Impact Publishers at 1-800-246-7228 or www.impactpublishers.com.
Nov
15
Tips for Letting Go of Stress
People respond differently when asked how they relax:
“Let me watch a good football game and I’ll relax.”
“I take an aspirin and go to bed.”
“For me, it’s a scotch-on-the-rocks while watching the evening news.”
“A favorite rock album through headphones while studying is relaxation for me.”
Unfortunately, not one of these individuals is relaxing well enough to significantly reduce tension and stress! At best, they are engaged in a favorite pastime that is fun and satisfying.
The relaxation response is a physical and mental technique that counteracts the stress response, creating a return to normal. Balance is achieved within the system. Complete relaxation involves learning to recognize and feel tension in every muscle of the body, and how to release it. Four basic elements are required to learn the relaxation response:
1. A quiet place to practice. Pick a time and a place where you are unlikely to be interrupted for twenty to thirty minutes. It helps to use the same location, at the same time, and to tell the children, spouse, friends what you will be doing. This special place should be as quiet and comfortable as possible. Dim the lights and loosen any tight clothing before practicing. You should also avoid practicing immediately before going to bed (you will probably fall asleep and won’t learn the techniques) or after a meal (your body is too busy with digestion to concentrate on muscle relaxation).
2. A comfortable position. Use a favorite chair or sofa which supports your body evenly. Avoid lying down on the floor or a bed, or taking another position in which you are likely to fall asleep. Your head should be supported, however, so you can relax your neck.
3. A phrase or word to help you concentrate may be helpful as you learn the technique of relaxing. Some suggestions include:
I am relaxing
I feel peaceful
My mind is quiet
I am calm
I feel healing and energy
I am being renewed
After you have mastered the skill of relaxing, your word or phrase will be your key to activating the relaxation response. Anytime, anywhere, you can mentally say this word or phrase and your mind will work with your body to produce a relaxed state in five to ten minutes. That’s your goal.
4. A passive attitude is the last element needed to learn the relaxation response. Follow the “relaxation instructions” and allow the relaxation to develop. Allow the tension to flow out of your body, effortlessly. Do not try to force yourself or work too hard. Just let it happen.
Now how do you spell relaxation?
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Adapted from The Stress Owner’s Manual: Meaning, Balance & Health in Your Life (2nd Ed.), by Ed Boenisch, Ph.D., and C. Michele Haney, Ph.D. Available at online and local bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423-6016, by phone at 1-800-246-7228, or www.impactpublishers.com.
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