Feb
25
This article is from Time magazine and features a quote from our author, A. Thomas Horvath! The article can be found on page 50 of the February 28 issue hard copy and online at http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2050027-1,00.html .
By John Cloud / Malibu Monday, Feb. 28, 2011
A difference between an addict and a recovering addict is that one hides his behavior, while the other can’t stop talking about it. Self-revelation is an important part of recovery, but it can lead to awkward moments when you meet a person who identifies as a sex addict.
For instance, within a half-hour of my first meeting Neil Melinkovich, a 59-year-old life coach, sometime writer and former model who has been in Sex Addicts Anonymous for more than 20 years, he told me about the time in 1987 that he made a quick detour from picking up his girlfriend at the Los Angeles airport so he could purchase a service from a prostitute. Afterward, he noticed what he thought was red lipstick on himself. It turned out to be blood from the woman’s mouth. He washed in a gas-station bathroom, met his girlfriend at the airport and then, in the grip of his insatiability, had unprotected sex with her as soon as they got home — in the same bed he said he had used to entertain three other women in the days before.(See how addiction affects the brain.) Read More »
Feb
18
Marsha Temlock’s latest blog from Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marsha-temlock/government-stimulas-preve_b_819236.html) :
It’s bad enough when your parents, friends and plain old budinskis tell you to stick out your marriage, but now the Feds are getting in the act. Walk though a subway car and you might see a poster that shows a couple lying in bed. Mouth wide open, he’s snoring away and she, well, she’s clearly making the best of it.
So what’s behind this story? The subtext is the ad was paid for by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to encourage couples to work on their relationship. According to Metro New York, the posters appeared on mass transit systems in New York, Atlanta, Los Angeles, Chicago and Washington, D.C. The ads direct commuters to a website called TwoOfUs.org that is run by the National Healthy Resource Center (NHRC). TwoOfUs dispenses tips on dating and advice on meeting the challenges of family.
I visited the site and watched a video excerpt of an interview Michelle Obama gave on the Today show. The First Lady was quick to say that she and the President did not want their marriage to appear flawless. Every marriage, she noted, has its ups and downs. Living apart can take its toll. To keep romance alive, she suggested other couples follow their example and institute a date night. Carving out space from the pressures of everyday life, getting away from the kids, the television or any other distraction and focusing on each other makes sense — although it struck me as another stimulus initiative. Read More »
Feb
10
Patrick fell for Zoë the instant he saw her. But he wasn’t prepared for the intensity beneath her pretty, seductive surface. Sexually demanding, volatile, and even suicidal, she turned their brief relationship into a vortex of instability and negativity that left Patrick wary of risking intimacy again.
Are you dating or living with someone whose everyday behavior causes you distress? Looking back, do you see alarming similarities in the kinds of lovers you’re drawn to, and wonder what it is about you (and them) that keeps you coming back for more? You are not alone.
A landmark survey by the National Institutes of Health (2004) revealed that about 15 percent of the adult population — over 16 million potential relationship partners — suffers from one or more personality disorders. Even if you’re looking for love in a relatively healthy environment — church, college, work — chances are that nearly one of five potential partners has some serious personality problem. At singles bars or online dating services — settings that draw those who’ve had trouble finding love elsewhere — the probability of encountering weird, or even dangerous, personalities escalates even more.
Personality-disordered partners (“PDPs”), say Drs. W. Brad Johnson and Kelly Murray, have personality traits that are almost always odd, high-maintenance, difficult, and toxic to genuine, lasting love. “Personality disorders are enduring patterns of seeing, relating to, and thinking about both the world and oneself that are rigid, and ultimately sabotage relationships,” they explain. “Sometimes more subtle forms of these disorders are hard to detect early on. You may be charmed and taken in, only to wonder later how you could have missed the warning signs.”
Johnson and Murray wrote Crazy Love: Dealing with Your Partner’s Problem Personality as a practical guide to identifying PDPs early and avoiding them as prospective mates, or finding help if you are in a committed relationship with someone whose disturbing, manipulative behavior leaves you feeling exhausted and diminished. Whether you are involved with an impaired partner or recognize yourself in the patterns described, you’ll find encouragement and expertise for taking action in an informed, responsible, safe and healthy way.
Highlights include:
- Key concepts in learning to spot the symptoms of twelve specific personality disorders.
- Descriptions of each problem personality (such as obsessive-compulsive, schizoid, paranoid, and more), with case examples of how each can result in a dysfunctional relationship.
- Help in determining whether behaviors are merely odd or symptomatic of specific disorders. (Is he “mysterious and solemn,” or paranoid?)
- Summaries of genetic and environmental factors that create personality disorders.
- Revealing reasons why you may be attracted to PDPs, and tips for making better choices about potential partners.
- Tools for living more positively in a committed relationship with a PDP.
- Survival strategies for regaining control of your own life despite your mate’s disordered behavior.
“Finding the right partner and maintaining a healthy love relationship is hard work in the best of circumstances,” Johnson and Murray acknowledge. “It is much harder when your partner has a personality disorder. By learning to detect impairment up front, you will be in a position of considerable power to avoid the heartache that can accompany relationships with them. Life is just too short to spend most of it walking on eggshells.”
W. Brad Johnson is an Associate Professor of Psychology at the United States Naval Academy and a Faculty Associate in the Graduate School of Business and Education at Johns Hopkins University. A clinical psychologist, he is a fellow of the American Psychological Association and the author of many publications including seven previous books in the area of mental health and counseling.
Kelly Murray(1969-2009) was an Assistant Professor and Director of Ph.D. Clinical Education at Loyola College in Baltimore. She was also a clinical psychologist in Private Practice in Bethesda, Maryland, where she worked and wrote in the areas of personality disorders, relationships and trauma.
Crazy Love is published as a trade paperback and available at online and local bookstores nationwide or directly from Impact Publishers, P.O. Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423-6016, www.impactpublishers.com, or phone 1-800-246-7228.
Dec
27
Our author Marsha Temlock is now a blogger on Huffington Post (can be found at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marsha-temlock/a-grandmother-struggles-w_b_798520.html)! Here is her first entry:
When an adult child’s marriage ends, it’s not just the divorcing couple and their children who are hurt. What many people do not realize is that the grandparents are struggling with a ton of emotions and questions. The following is a pretty typical story about the issues seniors face.
It was midnight and the phone rang. My husband and I often got calls at odd hours since our son lived in another time zone. This time the sound reverberated throughout the house. My husband picked up the phone. I waited my turn while the two engaged in the usual guy talk.
“How’s the job, did you get the roof fixed?”
Don’t ask why but all the while they were talking my mother radar was picking up static.
“How are the kids?” I asked.
“They’re fine,” my son replied. There was a pause — a long pause.
“And Barbara?”
“Okay.” Another long pause.
And then I heard those dreadful words I don’t think any parent is ever prepared for. “Mom, Barbara and I are getting divorced.”
I felt as if my family had just fallen off a cliff.
All night long, these parents asked themselves why? What went wrong in the marriage? They needed some reason, some explanation to buffer the shock. They asked: Why didn’t we see this coming? Who’s to blame? What does the future hold for our child? the soon to be ex-law? the grandchildren? How will this divorce affect us?
Of course, not all parents are taken by surprise when the couple finally goes public. Some predict the marriage is doomed before the ink is dry on the marriage license. Even so, the issues are the same. Parents are not sure of their role. Do they stay on the sidelines or enter the fray?
Some seniors find it difficult to accept the decision. They try to fix what’s broken. One reaction is to suggest the couple go for marriage counseling. This grandmother was told it was too late. The message was clear: “Mom, butt out.”
A real concern is access to the grandkids. Generally speaking, the paternal grandparents lose out to the maternal grandparents even in the case of shared custody since the mother typically controls the amount of time children spend with the father and makes daily decisions about their schedule. Ex-daughters-in-law can create roadblocks, favor their own parents, and reduce the time the father’s parents spend with their grandchildren. (http://www.grandparentstoday.com)
This grandmother was lucky. Her grandkids came to visit while Mom and Dad were hammering out the settlement. Grandma agonized over what to say, what to do to make the children comfortable. She removed the parents’ wedding picture from the display of family photos and was careful to avoid any subject having to do with the divorce. She hoped the kids would volunteer information – they didn’t. The older one, protective of her mother and angry at her father, decided grandma was allied with the enemy.
Fortunately, time passes. The dust settles. Everyone moves on. Many grandparents maintain a warm, working relationship with the former son or daughter-in-law. When their child remarries, there are those who put an extra leaf in the table and invite the whole mishpocha (family) to Chanukah. The faces of grandchildren and step-grandchildren deck the halls with good cheer.
When a child gets married, parents assume their parenting role is over. But because divorce does not exist in a vacuum, their role may be helping their adult child, ex-law and grandchildren get back on track.
This grandmother may not necessarily agree with her son’s decision, but she got off on the right foot by saying, “I love you. What can I do to help?”
For more guidance for grandparents and parents of divorced children see: Temlock, Marsha. Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect … What You Can Do. 2006. Impact Publishers
Dec
1
What do you want to be when you grow up? Ideally, you decided at a young age, set long-term goals, and devoted yourself to a zealous pursuit of the perfect job, lifestyle, and mate, right?
Wrong, say professors John D. Krumboltz, Ph.D. (StanfordUniversity) and Al S. Levin, Ed.D. (SacramentoStateUniversity), two of the most honored and highly respected expert consultants in the career development field throughout the world. “A ‘career decision’ is usually interpreted as a permanent commitment to one occupation,” they note. “But it is nonsense to commit to a single path when both you and the world you live in are constantly changing. It’s like asking you to choose your future spouse before the first date.”
Krumboltz and Levin, authors of the newly released book, Luck Is No Accident: Making the Most of Happenstance in Your Life and Career, believe that traditional career counselors add to unnecessary pressure by striving to “cure” their clients of indecision about goal commitment. Their own experience in the field revealed the flaws in this approach. “We have no objection to tentative career goals combined with continual open-mindedness, but we hate to see people get trapped in an occupation that makes them miserable because their tunnel vision prevents them from seeing alternatives.”
Luck Is No Accident radically contradicts common myths about life- and career-planning. Do you believe you must go for a job only if you have all the skills, do all you can to make your “dream” come true, resist letting unexpected events disrupt your plans, and aspire to perfection? Do you wait for lucky breaks? This innovative, highly adaptable guide will surprise you as it sparks a sense of adventure and reaffirms your optimism about the future.
Confidence-building steps include:
- Networking, socializing, building relationships.
- Taking up a new hobby or sport; joining a club, association, or interest group; becoming a volunteer.
- Seeking a transitional job.
- Taking advantage of timely opportunities.
- Asking for what you want.
- Going one step at a time, realizing the future starts now, and persisting in the face of rejection.
“We came to the realization that our own careers were a matter of creating and capitalizing on unexpected opportunities,” the authors attest. “Then in surveying numerous adult populations we discovered that only about two percent of the people claim to be working now in the occupation they had planned when they were eighteen years old. The goal of naming a future occupation seemed to be an exercise in futility. Goals are influenced by thousands of unplanned events for everyone.”
Packed with thought-provoking alternatives, real-life accounts, and astute action ideas, this dynamic guide encourages keeping options open and making the most of what life offers. Exercises designed to explore aspirations, evaluate approaches to choices, enhance ongoing learning experiences, and overcome self-sabotage can be applied to all aspects of life.
“How you react to positive and negative experiences are powerful factors in
determining the directions your life takes,” Drs. Krumboltz and Levin emphasize. “Satisfaction is found through actively creating your own luck and making the most of new and unforeseen experiences.”
determining the directions your life takes,” Drs. Krumboltz and Levin emphasize. “Satisfaction is found through actively creating your own luck and making the most of new and unforeseen experiences.”
John D. Krumboltz, Ph.D., Professor of Education and Psychology at Stanford University, is a Fellow of the American Psychological Association and the American Association for the Advancement of Science. He has received the prestigious Leona Tyler Award in Counseling Psychology (1990) and the Distinguished Professional Contributions to Knowledge Award (2002) from the American Psychological Association, as well as designation as one of only five “Living Legends in Counseling” by the American Counseling Association (2004).
Al S. Levin, Ed.D., Professor of Counselor Education at California State University, Sacramento, was formerly Assistant Director of Stanford University’s Career Development Center, MBA Career Management Center, and Lecturer at Stanford’s School of Education. Dr. Levin has authored numerous career development publications, led training workshops, and made presentations at professional conferences throughout the United States.
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Luck Is No Accident is available at online and local bookstores nationwide or directly from Impact Publishers at 1-800-246-7228 or www.impactpublishers.com.
Nov
15
Tips for Letting Go of Stress
People respond differently when asked how they relax:
“Let me watch a good football game and I’ll relax.”
“I take an aspirin and go to bed.”
“For me, it’s a scotch-on-the-rocks while watching the evening news.”
“A favorite rock album through headphones while studying is relaxation for me.”
Unfortunately, not one of these individuals is relaxing well enough to significantly reduce tension and stress! At best, they are engaged in a favorite pastime that is fun and satisfying.
The relaxation response is a physical and mental technique that counteracts the stress response, creating a return to normal. Balance is achieved within the system. Complete relaxation involves learning to recognize and feel tension in every muscle of the body, and how to release it. Four basic elements are required to learn the relaxation response:
1. A quiet place to practice. Pick a time and a place where you are unlikely to be interrupted for twenty to thirty minutes. It helps to use the same location, at the same time, and to tell the children, spouse, friends what you will be doing. This special place should be as quiet and comfortable as possible. Dim the lights and loosen any tight clothing before practicing. You should also avoid practicing immediately before going to bed (you will probably fall asleep and won’t learn the techniques) or after a meal (your body is too busy with digestion to concentrate on muscle relaxation).
2. A comfortable position. Use a favorite chair or sofa which supports your body evenly. Avoid lying down on the floor or a bed, or taking another position in which you are likely to fall asleep. Your head should be supported, however, so you can relax your neck.
3. A phrase or word to help you concentrate may be helpful as you learn the technique of relaxing. Some suggestions include:
I am relaxing
I feel peaceful
My mind is quiet
I am calm
I feel healing and energy
I am being renewed
After you have mastered the skill of relaxing, your word or phrase will be your key to activating the relaxation response. Anytime, anywhere, you can mentally say this word or phrase and your mind will work with your body to produce a relaxed state in five to ten minutes. That’s your goal.
4. A passive attitude is the last element needed to learn the relaxation response. Follow the “relaxation instructions” and allow the relaxation to develop. Allow the tension to flow out of your body, effortlessly. Do not try to force yourself or work too hard. Just let it happen.
Now how do you spell relaxation?
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Adapted from The Stress Owner’s Manual: Meaning, Balance & Health in Your Life (2nd Ed.), by Ed Boenisch, Ph.D., and C. Michele Haney, Ph.D. Available at online and local bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423-6016, by phone at 1-800-246-7228, or www.impactpublishers.com.
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Nov
9
Robert Alberti, author of Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Living, will be on KCBX tonight from 6:30-7:30 pm.
For more information:
here’s the link to their website: http://www.kcbx.org/Pages/Programming/weekly_program_highlights.html
the link to our Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Atascadero-CA/Impact-Publishers/108167199235363
and our Twitter page: http://twitter.com/impactpublisher
Oct
26
Dr. A. Thomas Horvath’s book, Sex, Drugs, Gambling and Chocolate: A Workbook for Overcoming Addictions was also awarded the ABCT Self-Help Book of Merit Award! Read on for some great tips about beating your bad habit!
Can you eat just one chocolate…or do you keep “sampling” until the box is gone? Does “just one beer” turn into…“one more for the road”?
If your bad habits have more control over you than you do, here’s good news: you don’t have to give up your bad habits or addictions in order to control them. The information is especially exciting for people with addictions to things such as sex or food — which most of us don’t wish to give up completely! This does contradict the teachings of most 12-step groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, which require total abstinence. Read More »
“I’ve got a really short fuse…it’s my Irish temper.”
“It’s not my fault that I get mad – there are so many idiots on the road these days!”
“I just have to blow off a little steam and then I’ll be fine.”
Are you in control of your anger? Or does it control you? We all feel angry at times, and it can actually serve a useful purpose in some situations, but when this powerful emotion gets the better of us, it’s no easy task to rein it back in.
That doesn’t mean that there’s no hope for managing one’s anger, however. “I always figured that my Dad had a bad temper and I inherited it from him… that there wasn’t really anything I could do about it,” comments Cynthia, a 46-year-old businesswoman. “I knew I could try to control whether or not I acted on it – you know, laid on the horn in traffic or something – but if I was going to get mad, it was just going to happen and that was that! Now that I realize I can actually avoid even getting angry, I am so much happier! I don’t fight my emotions all of the time.”
No matter what sparks our anger: careless drivers, billing errors, rude co-workers, selfish siblings – none of us have the power to eliminate all of these annoyances from our lives. We can’t prevent the world from creating the irritants which make us angry, so that really leaves only one option: changing the way we think about those unpleasant events. “The way you think about events has a powerful influence over your feelings and actions,” state clinical psychologists and anger experts Chip Tafrate and Howard Kassinove. “Your thinking contributes to your anger and to some of the self-defeating behaviors that go along with it.”
Cynthia knows her perceptions were causing her anger problem, “My brother was driving us to a restaurant when some guy cut him off and then gave him the finger. Tom just waved at the guy like it was no big deal and didn’t even let it bother him. I was downright amazed!” she laughs, “I knew then that having my dad’s temper wasn’t the problem, my attitude was.” Tafrate and Kassinove agree: “Becoming more aware of how you typically think when you become angry and changing these long-standing thoughts are key in reducing anger. The good news is with some effort and practice you can change the way you think about unpleasant events and thereby reduce your anger and increase your joy and happiness.”
Drs. Tafrate and Kassinove, authors of Anger Management for Everyone: Seven Proven Ways to Control Anger and Live a Happier Life (November 2009, Impact Publishers, Atascadero, CA), have developed a program which suggests key steps to controlling one’s anger, among them:
- Analyze past anger episodes you’ve experienced in order to recognize the events which trigger your anger.
- Identify your thoughts to find if you are distorting or exaggerating the situation unnecessarily.
- Learn relaxation techniques and how to apply them when needed.
- Discover assertive, productive ways to express your anger.
Tafrate and Kassinove offer specific exercises, evaluation charts, and examples in their book to help participants implement the program, so “… you learn to reduce your anger, you’ll be able to make better decisions in your life, manage your relationships better, and behave in ways that are likely to bring about the results you want the most. Misfortune, unfairness, and disappointment are part of everyone’s life; we’ll show you how to think about such events – and respond to them – constructively.”
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Raymond Chip Tafrate, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, professor, and chairperson of the Criminology and Criminal Justice Department at Central Connecticut State University. Dr. Tafrate serves as a consultant to state criminal justice agencies and trains practitioners in client engagement skills and the application of cognitive-behavioral interventions. His research on the nature and treatment of anger has been published in scientific journals and books, and presented at international conferences.
Howard Kassinove, Ph.D., ABPP, a board certified clinical psychologist, is past chairperson of the Psychology Department at Hofstra University and past director of their Ph.D. Program in Clinical & School Psychology. He is director of the Institute for the Study and Treatment of Anger and Aggression, and a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, the American Psychological Society, the Albert Ellis Institute, and the Behavior Therapy and Research Society.
Anger Management for Everyone is published as a trade paperback and available at online and local bookstores nationwide or directly from Impact Publishers, P.O. Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423-6016, www.impactpublishers.com, or phone 1-800-246-7228.
