Feb
25
This article is from Time magazine and features a quote from our author, A. Thomas Horvath! The article can be found on page 50 of the February 28 issue hard copy and online at http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2050027-1,00.html .
By John Cloud / Malibu Monday, Feb. 28, 2011
A difference between an addict and a recovering addict is that one hides his behavior, while the other can’t stop talking about it. Self-revelation is an important part of recovery, but it can lead to awkward moments when you meet a person who identifies as a sex addict.
For instance, within a half-hour of my first meeting Neil Melinkovich, a 59-year-old life coach, sometime writer and former model who has been in Sex Addicts Anonymous for more than 20 years, he told me about the time in 1987 that he made a quick detour from picking up his girlfriend at the Los Angeles airport so he could purchase a service from a prostitute. Afterward, he noticed what he thought was red lipstick on himself. It turned out to be blood from the woman’s mouth. He washed in a gas-station bathroom, met his girlfriend at the airport and then, in the grip of his insatiability, had unprotected sex with her as soon as they got home — in the same bed he said he had used to entertain three other women in the days before.(See how addiction affects the brain.) Read More »
Feb
18
Marsha Temlock’s latest blog from Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marsha-temlock/government-stimulas-preve_b_819236.html) :
It’s bad enough when your parents, friends and plain old budinskis tell you to stick out your marriage, but now the Feds are getting in the act. Walk though a subway car and you might see a poster that shows a couple lying in bed. Mouth wide open, he’s snoring away and she, well, she’s clearly making the best of it.
So what’s behind this story? The subtext is the ad was paid for by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to encourage couples to work on their relationship. According to Metro New York, the posters appeared on mass transit systems in New York, Atlanta, Los Angeles, Chicago and Washington, D.C. The ads direct commuters to a website called TwoOfUs.org that is run by the National Healthy Resource Center (NHRC). TwoOfUs dispenses tips on dating and advice on meeting the challenges of family.
I visited the site and watched a video excerpt of an interview Michelle Obama gave on the Today show. The First Lady was quick to say that she and the President did not want their marriage to appear flawless. Every marriage, she noted, has its ups and downs. Living apart can take its toll. To keep romance alive, she suggested other couples follow their example and institute a date night. Carving out space from the pressures of everyday life, getting away from the kids, the television or any other distraction and focusing on each other makes sense — although it struck me as another stimulus initiative. Read More »
Feb
10
Patrick fell for Zoë the instant he saw her. But he wasn’t prepared for the intensity beneath her pretty, seductive surface. Sexually demanding, volatile, and even suicidal, she turned their brief relationship into a vortex of instability and negativity that left Patrick wary of risking intimacy again.
Are you dating or living with someone whose everyday behavior causes you distress? Looking back, do you see alarming similarities in the kinds of lovers you’re drawn to, and wonder what it is about you (and them) that keeps you coming back for more? You are not alone.
A landmark survey by the National Institutes of Health (2004) revealed that about 15 percent of the adult population — over 16 million potential relationship partners — suffers from one or more personality disorders. Even if you’re looking for love in a relatively healthy environment — church, college, work — chances are that nearly one of five potential partners has some serious personality problem. At singles bars or online dating services — settings that draw those who’ve had trouble finding love elsewhere — the probability of encountering weird, or even dangerous, personalities escalates even more.
Personality-disordered partners (“PDPs”), say Drs. W. Brad Johnson and Kelly Murray, have personality traits that are almost always odd, high-maintenance, difficult, and toxic to genuine, lasting love. “Personality disorders are enduring patterns of seeing, relating to, and thinking about both the world and oneself that are rigid, and ultimately sabotage relationships,” they explain. “Sometimes more subtle forms of these disorders are hard to detect early on. You may be charmed and taken in, only to wonder later how you could have missed the warning signs.”
Johnson and Murray wrote Crazy Love: Dealing with Your Partner’s Problem Personality as a practical guide to identifying PDPs early and avoiding them as prospective mates, or finding help if you are in a committed relationship with someone whose disturbing, manipulative behavior leaves you feeling exhausted and diminished. Whether you are involved with an impaired partner or recognize yourself in the patterns described, you’ll find encouragement and expertise for taking action in an informed, responsible, safe and healthy way.
Highlights include:
- Key concepts in learning to spot the symptoms of twelve specific personality disorders.
- Descriptions of each problem personality (such as obsessive-compulsive, schizoid, paranoid, and more), with case examples of how each can result in a dysfunctional relationship.
- Help in determining whether behaviors are merely odd or symptomatic of specific disorders. (Is he “mysterious and solemn,” or paranoid?)
- Summaries of genetic and environmental factors that create personality disorders.
- Revealing reasons why you may be attracted to PDPs, and tips for making better choices about potential partners.
- Tools for living more positively in a committed relationship with a PDP.
- Survival strategies for regaining control of your own life despite your mate’s disordered behavior.
“Finding the right partner and maintaining a healthy love relationship is hard work in the best of circumstances,” Johnson and Murray acknowledge. “It is much harder when your partner has a personality disorder. By learning to detect impairment up front, you will be in a position of considerable power to avoid the heartache that can accompany relationships with them. Life is just too short to spend most of it walking on eggshells.”
W. Brad Johnson is an Associate Professor of Psychology at the United States Naval Academy and a Faculty Associate in the Graduate School of Business and Education at Johns Hopkins University. A clinical psychologist, he is a fellow of the American Psychological Association and the author of many publications including seven previous books in the area of mental health and counseling.
Kelly Murray(1969-2009) was an Assistant Professor and Director of Ph.D. Clinical Education at Loyola College in Baltimore. She was also a clinical psychologist in Private Practice in Bethesda, Maryland, where she worked and wrote in the areas of personality disorders, relationships and trauma.
Crazy Love is published as a trade paperback and available at online and local bookstores nationwide or directly from Impact Publishers, P.O. Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423-6016, www.impactpublishers.com, or phone 1-800-246-7228.
