Marsha Temlock’s newest post, “The Parent’s Dilemma: Open the Couch, What About The Wallet?”

Most parents struggle with the ongoing issue of how much financial support to give to their children. The problem becomes that much more pressing when their son or daughter seeks help during his or her separation and/or divorce. Especially in these tough economic times when seniors find their retirement and pension funds less secure, there will be issues affecting family relationships.

Jack held off offering his daughter Bonnie money when she and her husband separated. In the beginning, his soon to be ex son-in-law was meeting his responsibilities. But then Phil lost his job and Jack came through with a monthly check to pay for her household expenses.

Bonnie appreciated her dad’s help. Once her divorce was finalized (and Phil got a job), Jack assumed he would be off the hook. Instead he found, a year later, he was still digging into his wallet.

Parents who want to help their children during this difficult time ask the following questions:

When should I withdraw financial support?

While there is no easy answer, the rule of thumb is not to create a dependency situation. Circumstances vary in each case, but keep in mind that when you offer to help your divorcing child financially, you are setting a precedent for the future — not only for that child, but also for any other child who might one day come to you with a similar request.

Should I loan the money or make it a gift?

Even if it’s a loan — “Only give what you can afford not to get back.” If you expect your child to pay you back, establish a realistic pay-back plan. You can avoid creating a dependency if you pay for a particular expense (rent for a year, for example), instead of giving a blanket loan. One attorney suggested considering a promissory note to accompany a loan as this then becomes a marital debt and is added to the financial affidavit. The loan has a better chance of being repaid once the assets are divided.

Should I specify how the money is spent?

For better or worse, once the money leaves your hands, consider it a fait accompli. If your son or daughter has been financially irresponsible in the past — thrown away money, run up high credit card debt, taken money for granted — you may have to set limits right from the start. Remember, you are dealing with an adult. Just hope that the money you so generously shelled out will be used wisely.

What if my child comes back asking for another loan?

That’s easy. Gently remind him or her that you have expenses, and that there are other means for obtaining the money.

Am I being selfish if I turn down a request?

It’s not easy to draw the line, but it’s also wrong to lose sight of your needs, your spouse’s, or other family members you are taking care of. More and more baby boomers are members of the club sandwich generation, responsible for kids living at home and elderly parents who are living to a ripe old age.

You’re not being selfish if a gift to your child is going to compromise your lifestyle or cause you to put your retirement plans on hold. Even if your plans seem “frivolous” — that safari trip you’ve waited your whole life to go on — you have a right to use your money as you see fit.

Am I being fair to the other family members if I support my neediest child?

If maintaining your divorced child’s standard of living means creating tension and resentment, you better think again. Be aware that a loan to your divorced child can build guilt and resentment that can last a lifetime.

Case in point: Cathy is sixteen and a straight A student. Instead of going to that private college she set her sights on, she is attending her local community college. Why? Her parents used her college fund to pay off her divorced sister’s mortgage.

The best policy is to be open and honest with other family members about the kind of financial help you are giving your divorced child. Money lending (or gifting) can be especially dicey when one of the parents is remarried. Partners may not always agree how the money should be spent or how “desperate” the divorced child’s situation is.

The best kind of support may not cost a dime.

Know that there are many ways you can communicate your love and support without having to open your purse strings: open your home, fix dinner, offer to babysit, carpool, attend your grandchildren’s sports events, research lawyers and divorce tax consultants, take your child and grandchildren on vacation, etc. By relieving the day-to-day burden you will be showing your generosity.

As a parent your role is not to provide long-term financial support unless there is no other recourse. As I said earlier, circumstances vary. But generally speaking, your goal is to point your divorced or separated adult child toward financial independence. Doing too much and for too long is as bad as doing too little.

There are many more tips how to help your son or daughter pre- or post-divorce in my book “Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect – What You Can Do” (Impact Publishers, 2006.)

Original post can be found at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marsha-temlock/the-parents-dilemma-open-_b_984048.html

Marsha Temlock’s latest blog from Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marsha-temlock/government-stimulas-preve_b_819236.html) :

It’s bad enough when your parents, friends and plain old budinskis tell you to stick out your marriage, but now the Feds are getting in the act. Walk though a subway car and you might see a poster that shows a couple lying in bed. Mouth wide open, he’s snoring away and she, well, she’s clearly making the best of it.

So what’s behind this story? The subtext is the ad was paid for by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to encourage couples to work on their relationship. According to Metro New York, the posters appeared on mass transit systems in New York, Atlanta, Los Angeles, Chicago and Washington, D.C. The ads direct commuters to a website called TwoOfUs.org that is run by the National Healthy Resource Center (NHRC). TwoOfUs dispenses tips on dating and advice on meeting the challenges of family.

I visited the site and watched a video excerpt of an interview Michelle Obama gave on the Today show. The First Lady was quick to say that she and the President did not want their marriage to appear flawless. Every marriage, she noted, has its ups and downs. Living apart can take its toll. To keep romance alive, she suggested other couples follow their example and institute a date night. Carving out space from the pressures of everyday life, getting away from the kids, the television or any other distraction and focusing on each other makes sense — although it struck me as another stimulus initiative. Read More »

Our author Marsha Temlock is now a blogger on Huffington Post (can be found at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marsha-temlock/a-grandmother-struggles-w_b_798520.html)! Here is her first entry:

When an adult child’s marriage ends, it’s not just the divorcing couple and their children who are hurt. What many people do not realize is that the grandparents are struggling with a ton of emotions and questions. The following is a pretty typical story about the issues seniors face.

It was midnight and the phone rang. My husband and I often got calls at odd hours since our son lived in another time zone. This time the sound reverberated throughout the house. My husband picked up the phone. I waited my turn while the two engaged in the usual guy talk.

“How’s the job, did you get the roof fixed?”

Don’t ask why but all the while they were talking my mother radar was picking up static.

“How are the kids?” I asked.

“They’re fine,” my son replied. There was a pause — a long pause.

“And Barbara?”

“Okay.” Another long pause.

And then I heard those dreadful words I don’t think any parent is ever prepared for. “Mom, Barbara and I are getting divorced.”

I felt as if my family had just fallen off a cliff.

All night long, these parents asked themselves why? What went wrong in the marriage? They needed some reason, some explanation to buffer the shock. They asked: Why didn’t we see this coming? Who’s to blame? What does the future hold for our child? the soon to be ex-law? the grandchildren? How will this divorce affect us?

Of course, not all parents are taken by surprise when the couple finally goes public. Some predict the marriage is doomed before the ink is dry on the marriage license. Even so, the issues are the same. Parents are not sure of their role. Do they stay on the sidelines or enter the fray?

Some seniors find it difficult to accept the decision. They try to fix what’s broken. One reaction is to suggest the couple go for marriage counseling. This grandmother was told it was too late. The message was clear: “Mom, butt out.”

A real concern is access to the grandkids. Generally speaking, the paternal grandparents lose out to the maternal grandparents even in the case of shared custody since the mother typically controls the amount of time children spend with the father and makes daily decisions about their schedule. Ex-daughters-in-law can create roadblocks, favor their own parents, and reduce the time the father’s parents spend with their grandchildren. (http://www.grandparentstoday.com)

This grandmother was lucky. Her grandkids came to visit while Mom and Dad were hammering out the settlement. Grandma agonized over what to say, what to do to make the children comfortable. She removed the parents’ wedding picture from the display of family photos and was careful to avoid any subject having to do with the divorce. She hoped the kids would volunteer information – they didn’t. The older one, protective of her mother and angry at her father, decided grandma was allied with the enemy.

Fortunately, time passes. The dust settles. Everyone moves on. Many grandparents maintain a warm, working relationship with the former son or daughter-in-law. When their child remarries, there are those who put an extra leaf in the table and invite the whole mishpocha (family) to Chanukah. The faces of grandchildren and step-grandchildren deck the halls with good cheer.

When a child gets married, parents assume their parenting role is over. But because divorce does not exist in a vacuum, their role may be helping their adult child, ex-law and grandchildren get back on track.

This grandmother may not necessarily agree with her son’s decision, but she got off on the right foot by saying, “I love you. What can I do to help?”

For more guidance for grandparents and parents of divorced children see: Temlock, Marsha. Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect … What You Can Do. 2006. Impact Publishers

From torontosun.com:

Judge orders homework for divorcing parents

By SAM PAZZANO, Courts Bureau

A Brampton judge has thrown three books at an estranged couple and assigned them some homework that’s due before their next court date.

Justice David Price ordered the parents of 11-year-old twins to read three books about parenting in a divorce situation before they return to family court in December and provide proof they completed the assignment by Nov. 30.

Karen Garney and Melvin MacNeil must also write “a one-page summary for each book of one insight that they have gained from it and one strategy, if any, they are prepared to adopt based on it,” the Superior Court justice wrote in a judgment obtained Thursday.

The books are former New York Times best-seller Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, Parenting After Divorce by Philip M. Stahl, and Parenting from the Inside Out by Harvard-educated child psychiatrist Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell.

The judge explained the reasoning behind his unusual order.

“This may improve their ability to communicate and resolve some of the issues that are still troubling them,” said Price, listing a number of issues that the couple cannot resolve, including providing access to the children.

Garney has already finished reading the books and embraced the advice prescribed by the authors.

“I try to keep positive, say nothing personal and I always do things that are in the best interests of my children,” Garney said in an interview Thursday.

These books should be recommended reading for any and all parents who find themselves in the same situation, she said.

“These are three books everybody in our position (divorcing) should be reading,” said Garney, a former Etobicoke travel agent who has sole custody of twin 11-year-olds, a boy and a girl.

Earlier this year, the judge recommended the parents read the books. The judge credited the 41-year-old Garney with having read the books already, while her estranged husband hadn’t, so the judge ordered the reading and writing assignment.

MacNeil, now 43, and a construction contractor, and Garney became a couple in August 1996, married two years later and separated in March 2007.

They kept living together under the same roof until June 2007 when Garney left the matrimonial home. The twins continued to live primarily with their mother.

MacNeil is seeking to vary the custody order and asserts his rights to access are being violated, the judge wrote.

MacNeil had access to his children on Wednesday nights and every other weekend as long as he brought their son to his hockey games and practices on the weekends.

MacNeil was not available for comment.